Notes on not comparing timelines
One of the best pieces of advice I got from a late professor was to stop putting age limits on things. We often grow up with numbers in mind for certain achievements: engaged by 25, VP by 29, married by 30, five kids by 36, first book published by 40, etc. Sometimes, those numbers help us set goals and keep ourselves on track. But other times, those numbers just make us feel like we’ve “failed” or like we’re behind…when, really, our life might just be unfolding on a different timeline.
What I’ve learned is that you can’t control when the big things will happen–or perhaps more likely, when the chance meetings, the friend of a friend introductions, the unsolicited emails, the out-of-the-blue job offers will happen. Often, it’s all of those little things that add up and snowball into the big things–and those are the things that are truly unpredictable.
There’s a lot of pressure in our society to be ready for the “next thing.” Personally, it can be officially committing to a relationship, buying a house, deciding to have kids (or a dog!). Professionally, we’re pressed to constantly be reaching: for a promotion, for a raise, for more responsibility. Even in the travel world, there are always things to accomplish: more countries, more continents, more can’t-miss cities and more off-the-beaten-path destinations.
And once you check one thing off the list, there’s immediately something else to aim for–and your friends, family, Facebook acquaintances and Instagram personalities will quickly remind you of that. And while perhaps most of modern society has always had a preferred sequence of doing things (fall in love – get married – have babies OR get a job – get promoted – buy a house etc.), the difference now is that there’s an expectation to have it all and do it all and make it all look effortless.
Sure, comparison is the thief of joy. But in particular, judging where you are now to where someone else is doesn’t take into account how they’ve gotten there–or how long it’s taken them. Now that I’m inching close to 30, I’m flabbergasted (and sometimes a little jealous) when I find out someone who has achieved a lot (book deal! crazy Instagram following! beautiful family!) is in their early 20s…but relieved and encouraged when I discover someone with the same thing who is nearing 40 (or beyond).
Now that I’m married, I’m often asked when I’m having kids–by friends, family, my gynecologist. I’m not offended by the question: I know that starting a family is a big decision, and babies (or not having babies) are a huge topic of conversation among me and my friends, whether they’re new moms, dog moms, recently married or very single. Despite what the future holds, I feel confident that I’m not getting pregnant anytime soon (mostly because there are still so many places I still want to travel to!). And both my husband and I had parents who didn’t have us until their late 30’s, so we don’t feel any rush to jump right into things.
But I do find myself creating some internal pressure, simply because so many of my good friends are in the middle of having babies. Note that some have been married for years, some have been trying for a while, some want to have five kids so need to get going early, some have wanted a baby for ages and others have taken a while to come around to the idea. In short: everyone’s had a very different process and timeline to getting to where they are. Even though I know I don’t want them right now, I still get swept up in baby fever–and the thought that “OMG everyone is having babies I must immediately have them too or else I’m missing out or getting old or won’t be able to.” It’s stressful! And for no good reason!
There’s an old WSJ article that I still regularly think about, particularly this line and how it relates to timelines: “You shouldn’t take anything for granted, not even tomorrow. I offer you the “hit by a bus” rule. Would I regret spending my life this way if I were to get hit by a bus next week or next year? And the important corollary: Does this path lead to a life I will be happy with and proud of in 10 or 20 years if I don’t get hit by a bus.”
When it comes to timelines, sure, they can help keep you on track. You might get married or get your big professional achievement next week…or it might take 20 years. Does the timing of when it happens lessen the accomplishment? So I’m trying not to get so caught up in the comparison of RIGHT NOW to lose sight of what the end goal is: a happy, healthy, productive (hopefully long!) life that you’ll be proud of. No one’s going to be thinking about timelines or quantifying their successes on their deathbed.
p.s. notes on being lucky, and notes on authenticity
